Ramblings at 3 am

Another three in the morning, my heart, and head are having a battle. I know he needs the risperidone to stop these episodes; a term we use to describe combative behavior and hallucinations where he lays for hours singing to people that don’t exist instead of talking to them. Does that make me sound crazy? I refer to them as beings.  I am not sure how much longer I can do these long hours by myself.  My daughter helps during the day so I can grab an hour nap, but I fall deeply into a sleep that it becomes difficult to wake me.

I know his Aricept has come to its useful end, now it is just a pill in a cup. He has been blackballed out of nursing homes, which is not something I would consider however the respite care would have been nice right about now. It would have to be someone trained in Alzheimer's or I am afraid I would come home to him dirty and sitting in his chair alone. He fits no useful stage or guide. Simply end stage which could last a few months to a few years. He has been in this stage for over three years now. Progressively worse the past six months. He doesn’t know me, the house, nor does he believe he has grandchildren. Inappropriate behavior is making it difficult to take him to doctor appointments.

I have been researching this disease for years. I started working with the AHEAD program taking tests and answering questions for a year or more to determine my probability of having Alzheimer’s at any stage. We all start out in the first stage of Dementia/Alzheimer’s which are no real symptoms at all.  When you are finished, they give you no indication on your last report or tests. I received a letter in the mail to join a drug testing program, I guess I received my answer. I am very diligent to keep my mind active and use several programs such as luminosity, puzzle games, constant organization to keep my mind alert. This – don’t sign up for this program until the stressors of the disease you are dealing with are gone. Some of the tests require complete silence, focus without interruptions. I could not do this properly. My mind was on what he was doing while only a few feet from me. So, the validity while being a caregiver is very skeptical to say the least. Taking the tests at 3 am with little sleep is also a contributing factor of an epic fail.