Playing Catch Up

By now you already know the stages of ALZ, and how your loved one in teetering on one stage to the next.  Today I have had to accept the fact that ALZ medications attempt to stablize, but they do not stop progression.  The progression starts to become a bit much with an end in sight, but not one you would choose for them, nor for yourself.

Today I am just relating stories as it have become emotional for me. Let me set the scene. I am on the couch across from my father in his over stuffed leather chair while he is watching a show on TV. To me it is just background noise, his hearing becoming worse it is all the way to the hilt. Something funny came across even I smiled however I watched my father smile and attempt to clap his hands. I stared at him for several minutes as this is something he has done his entire life when laughing, don't ask why it just is what it is. He kept looking at his hands attempting to move them, but he could not figure out how to do it. Suddenly his focus was on his hands and not the TV, tears welled in my eyes although none fell I am stronger than that.

I got his attention,  "That was funny as all get out wasn't it daddy?" I began to slowly clap my hands so he could watch me. I noticed he began to mimic what I was doing his clap went from hesitant to a hearty laugh and again he was clapping hard yet tears were streaming down his face. We did not talk about it we moved on.  This is one moment in one day as I watch his fine motor skills deteriorate.

ALZ is an evil, stealing all your moments that you will never have leaving destruction in its wake.

And The Beat Goes On

The last week has been an eye opener, I slowly watched as he scanned through the guide on the TV, then decided to scan channels one by one. I said nothing. Then he asked my daughter to read something to him after looking at it for several minutes. I said nothing. Yesterday he make a comment that Mom was hiding out at her sister's house, this is a dreaded loaded response.

"Daddy, Mom passed away almost a year ago now." He was silent.
"Did you hear me?"
"Yes, but you are lying." He rubbed his chin and raised an eyebrow.
I gave him her obituary, he starred at it for several moments, "It's dark in here and I can't read it." I turned the lights on.
Again he handed it to my daughter to read, he spat, "Why didn't anyone tell me?"
"Daddy I did, you were here when it happened. She passed here at home."
An argument ensued and I removed myself from the situation.  Later returning to confront him about being able to read. He told me he could not read any longer and the words made no sense to him.

Keeping up with what he is losing is hard, people with ALZ can hide things very well, they think that no one will notice. No longer can you just hand him his meds to take. You must stand there and make sure just as you would with an obstinate child.  All the while making sure you don't treat them as a child. You don't discount the fabricated stories they tell, you do not correct them or you are in for a battle. I decided to say, "Well, I never knew that."

It is his world, your world and the two will never be the same again. Roll with it, yes you will anger, but temper that anger by removing yourself. It is hard, if someone tells you it is not they are flat out lying or their parent is not as far along as my father. Another problem is severe paranoia over their money,  I keep the checkbook handy to show him what is going on how his money is spent on his living expenses.  He is angry that bread is no longer a quarter, and pants are no longer two dollars.

Keep all your receipts for everything so that they have them, it is a comfort and I can't tell you why.  I have been called so many names I can't count them on one hand, screamed at, and made to feel as if I did not matter. Let it go, if you don't it will drive you insane, because in ten minutes he won't remember saying anything.

Another Endless Night

Sit back for a moment while I go get me some more coffee. I have been awake since 11 pm last night after coming off of a two day insomnia. Daughter is sick and so is her fiance, so it was my turn to pick up the slack. Hold on....okay here we go. Today I am sick, not sure if it is from running for two days, or I have managed to pick up their bug.

Dad has been in rare form, God I love him, but this is like having a child all over again. They don't tell you that, pretty much no one mentions that BIG fact. He throws tantrums out of the blue, forgets who you are and decides it is OK to talk to you however he chooses.

Here are some hints on how to handle that situation.

1. Disengage from the situation
2. Do not take it personal
3. It is the disease not them
4. Find him/her/yourself something else to do
5. It will be fleeting just give it fifteen minutes and it will pass

He is certain that Christmas is next week and I am too lazy to go buy some presents. I keep telling him that his birthday has not come yet, that is mid summer and when the leaves fall from the trees that is when I go shopping for the holiday. This is not going well insert giggle here.

I was on the phone from 2am to 3am trying to get him back to bed so he can get up this morning and take his medications. Once he is off schedule his symptoms become worse. The hopes that this will get better are gone, the medications do not seem like they are helping any longer. Although using the new depends pull up diapers are much more friendly for him.

He has many days he doesn't realize that Mom is not coming back. I have attempted to do her room several time, but even dusting sends him into a tizzy. I talked to his doctor and he told me to leave it alone until he was ready to handle it. As long as he can go in there and see her things it is a comfort and not to take that away. I have to admit I too find comfort, but also sadness. I will leave things as they are for now. I am just not so sure other people that may happen by the house is going to understand.

Life changes so quickly, and I find myself afraid to open his door in the morning, because I am not ready for the inevitable yet. I have not even grieved for Mom yet.

Another Day Repeated

I know how you feel, and I feel for you the angst, constant questions that are never answered so that your loved one can understand and exasperation begins to set in. Take a deep breath, realize this is not  your loved one , this is his/her disease and it is not going anywhere, it is not going to get better, however it will get worse. ALZ is not your friend, it takes away all that you once knew leaving an empty hole.

Just another day in the life of ALZ. I will write more, I had planned on it, but my mother his primary caregiver passed away and I have been working on non stop days where there is no time to sit and write. I will promise to write more later.

One escape when I get an alone minute